Monday, June 6, 2011

E3 Press Conference Roast: Microsoft

First up in the press conferences is Microsoft, who..well lets just say they're not looking so hot. With Sony's Vita and Nintendo's Cafe, they don't have a whole lot of anything to show for themselves. Luckily, they have an hour and a half to prove us all wrong! Lets see if they do it.

Starting the show with a bang, its...well..more CoD Modern Warfare. Except we can't call it that anymore because we fired those dudes, so...MW3. After studying the gameplay video in depth I have determined that it looks liked MW2. Oh boy. Gotta love the disconnecting controller too, smooooth. I mean don't get me wrong, MW campaigns are usually amazing. But seriously guys, can we try something new this time? Also I'm pretty sure that gameplay just ended with a boat driving into another boat that's also a helicopter, so I guess that's cool. 10 points for a great game, -3 for lack of originality, -7 for being on every console known to man and having nothing to do with Xbox.

Also, the guy on stage thanked everyone for making 2010 the best year in Xbox history. They say that every year. I'm calling shenanigans.

Next up.. Tomb Raider! This game looks amazi..oh..oh geeze. Tell Laura Croft to shut up. Seriously, she's SO freaking whiny. This game has officially been completely ruined for me. She's limping around some sort of cave thing screaming, moaning, and throwing in the occasional "oh god" for good measure. Ok, we get it, you're hurt. Doesn't change the fact that I couldn't play this game without someone upstairs thinking I'm watching porn.

Cue the EA guy that finds his way onto stage a few times every year, reassuring us that the next iteration of *insert ea sports franchise here* will have kinect support. Cool story bro. Now go away so I can see some Mass Effect 3.

Aaaand there it is. Mass Effect 3. Beautiful game, amazing series, can't wait. Of course, they don't show us a trailer or any sick gameplay scenes. Nope, they demo the kinect feature. Voice support. You can now dictate Commander Shepherd's lines instead of clicking them. Listen to the audience carefully and you may be able to hear the sound of nobody caring. However, there is a gasp of excitement when Shepherd stabs an alien with his omnitool. Sometimes I think devs make features that seem cool without ever stopping to ask people if they want them, because I don't see ANYONE choosing to talk to their xbox instead of clicking a dialogue option. I mean, outside of sounding like a creeper, it takes so much more time..

Next up, the Ubisoft guy takes the stage. Wait, don't all these companies have their own conferences? And aren't ALL the games we've seen so far on other consoles as well? You're really pushing it with this "better with kinect" claim, Microsoft. Anywho, Ubisoft is showing off a new Ghost Recon game that actually looks kinda neat. The kinect features look super responsive, and I have to admit the idea of reloading and aiming and shooting all with your body is kind of cool. But lets stop and think for a minute..does anyone really want to do this? Sounds like something I'd get hyped about and show off to my family and friends in the first week of launch, then completely stop caring about when I realize its more work than its worth and can never be a serious way to play an FPS.

At this point in the conference, we FINALLY see something press conference worthy. Microsoft showing off its new interface and media..hub..thing. It looks pretty neat, I'll admit. I mean, no reason they're just now getting this, but better late than never I suppose. Also, gotta chuckle at the Bing demo. Shameless self promotion, Microsoft. Everyone still uses Google. Still, mild props I s'pose.

Gears of War 3 is Gears of War 3. 'Nuff said. Also, Cliffy B is a doucher and Ice T is annoying. It had to be said.

Ryse looks..interesting..but I really don't have any desire to act like a Spartan in front of my tv. Neat concept, but I'm not buying. Also can someone call Crytek and tell them to stop spelling things with y's instead of i's? It was neat in middle school, now it's just weird.

The next few games are all the things that leaked a few weeks ago, because apparently Microsoft sucks at secrets. They should ask Nintendo for some tips. We got a new Forza, a new Fable, a remake of Halo 1 that nobody really seems to care much about. Lots of Kinect flaunting, which honestly I'm still not really sold on. I don't like putting things on rails, which seems to be the price of a lot of these motion controlled games. Minecraft on the 360 is an interesting move, though I still feel like people are going to prefer it on the PC. Who knows. A lot of fun things for kids, but the 360 never really came off as a kids console so I'm rather skeptical.

Skipping over some other stuff that I don't really care about, we come to the Halo 4 announcement. They promised Halo was a trilogy. Then they decided they wanted money so they made 3 spinoff games. Now they realized if they call Halo 4 the start of a NEW trilogy, they didn't technically break their promise AND they're covered for the next 2 times the drug lord demands his money and they have to come up with some quick cash. Seriously though..that series has been diluted beyond all recognition. Pick an amazing game serious and count the number of titles per console generation..usually 1-3. Halo 4 will be the 5th 360 game, right? Pathetic.. Also I can't help but notice the lack of a Bungie logo. Hmm.

That just about covers it for Microsoft, I'll probably write something up for Sony and Nintendo as well. Expect Nintendo's to be super late if at all, seeing as the briefing is an hour before the convention opens and I'll have better things to do.

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